Definitely not the one thing, but: Pets.

I saw a cat yesterday, just chilling on an empty road out in the fields. I switched to the other side of the road, because I didn’t want to scare it off, but as I passed it, it fucking meowed at me, like “Pet me?”.

Which, you know, seems like a reasonable request. And I would have liked to. But I don’t even know how to do the baby/pet voice, let alone how to break out of the whole manly man spiel.

Well, and then there’s dogs, which are much worse than that. Most either interpret me not interacting with them as me fearing them, so they become aggressive, or they’re the cuddly/curious type, immediately walking up to me for pets.

Especially by a dude in a fake police uniform.

I enjoy how when you connect to it from an Android phone, it’s like:
What in the fuck do you want here?! We’re not spending computing resources on you, dumbass. Go, send it to your heathen friends!

You could ‘upgrade’ them to a better operating system: https://malisipi.github.io/ubuntu-tour/

🙃